My Ticket To Freedom

Each time I am look down from any high rise. I am so tempted to check-in with my ticket to freedom. Free from pain, free from stress, free to be anywhere anytime, free from sufferings.

Many times, I feel that life is not worth its value where we work through our lives and when we havent got time to smell the rose and taste the champagne. By the time we reached 65 most probably we are down with health problems and may have to abstain from those food that we enjoy.

Currently, I cant talk about enjoyment because my mind is not in the right frame.. I wish I could get rid of the nagging pain in me. The thoughts of Ansen, my late son. my mother is causing that excrutiating pain in my heart and that burning pain in my eyes and soon swollen with tears. Though Ansen has left me in 2001 but he didnt take away the memories of him and me together the crazy things that we do right to Pierce Reservoir and watch the monkeys .. Mother you didnt take away my worries when you left me in 2003.. I still miss you going out on Sunday morning to do your favourite shopping in your wheel chair to eat beef koay tiow and then i get reprimanded by my sisters your own daughter for taking you out to do all these from the nursing home. Mother I just want to give life and not life in the nursing home.

Mdm Koo a lady who knows my character so well. Who loves me and often offers me cigarettes when she smokes. Whose love for perfume just like me ... I miss you too. You left in 2005 June. My heart drop when new of you reached me that your migration has been approved. It hurts me so much that every alternate year someone I know and I love leaves me . I never cry in front of my friends/relatives or aquantance. My heart bleed and my face is cleanse with tears.

I wish to check in with my ticket of freedom where can I do the check in? Will Claudia be able to handle this if she finds out and is it fair for her to go through the pain of losing her mother after losing her brother in 2001. It cracks and it bleeds and will carry on bleeding it never heals. The pain is excrutiating that i can no longer feel the pain from the cut wound from my heart.. i cant feel pain even when i multilate myself....am i still alive... or have i cash in my ticket to freedom...