Do You Know I Am Thingking Of You

I often said whatever will be, will be... What is going to happen, will happen and what ever is coming it will come..


I often put on a strong front. I do not wish to cry in front of others but I weep bitterly on my own because I am afraid of letting other see me cry..

It has been 4 years since the Lord took my son away.. I cry at the ICU cos i felt his pain. My prayers wasnt answered. I am angry that the Lord has taken him away from me. No one can understand the pain I felt in my heart for losing my son. No one saw the state he was after the accident. No one sees me cry or weep at the funeral. No one sees me cry weep at the crematarium. I couldnt cry. I knew my daughter was devasted, I know I must not cry for I still need to take care of her. Well all the ceremonial rights was done.

I weep every night where no one sees me cry. My heart bleeds every night for him but one sees. If only I ask that I ask for my life to transfered to his so that he would live a longer life. I failed to do it. I was lost and I had faith that he will gain consciouness but he didnt. I wish he knows that I am always thinking of him. I will never forget you. I wish you are here... I wish you know how much I love and the time we spent together. I am honoured that you took me on a ride after you bought your first bike. I am honoured that you carried my golf bag for me on Mother's day and went golfing with me. Your time was just too short her but the impact that you made in my life and the life of others.... your ex girl friend (Black Bird) is not married and 'Fish Cake' runs her own business. If you are here you would have an Engineer by now.
My dreams was shattered when you left us. I hope you will look over and guide your little sister. May it is my luck that I do not deserved to have you and maybe it my karma that you have return to the Lord and the pain you go through... whatever will be will be..

Are U a Bull (El Toro)

In Hong Kong, the Hongkongers will address those who are illiterate as a blind bull. (Mang Ngoa) in Teochew you call it " Cheh Meh Gu".

Some drivers behaves like one. These are the red light dashers. The behave like a bull (El Toro) Those that see red and yet still dash through. Either they are illiterate or blind that they cant see the red or they are bulls that love the dashing of red.

Are you guilty of behaving like you a bulll? Or Are you a Bull or a blind bull. Road safety is important be kind to others...

My Ticket To Freedom

Each time I am look down from any high rise. I am so tempted to check-in with my ticket to freedom. Free from pain, free from stress, free to be anywhere anytime, free from sufferings.

Many times, I feel that life is not worth its value where we work through our lives and when we havent got time to smell the rose and taste the champagne. By the time we reached 65 most probably we are down with health problems and may have to abstain from those food that we enjoy.

Currently, I cant talk about enjoyment because my mind is not in the right frame.. I wish I could get rid of the nagging pain in me. The thoughts of Ansen, my late son. my mother is causing that excrutiating pain in my heart and that burning pain in my eyes and soon swollen with tears. Though Ansen has left me in 2001 but he didnt take away the memories of him and me together the crazy things that we do right to Pierce Reservoir and watch the monkeys .. Mother you didnt take away my worries when you left me in 2003.. I still miss you going out on Sunday morning to do your favourite shopping in your wheel chair to eat beef koay tiow and then i get reprimanded by my sisters your own daughter for taking you out to do all these from the nursing home. Mother I just want to give life and not life in the nursing home.

Mdm Koo a lady who knows my character so well. Who loves me and often offers me cigarettes when she smokes. Whose love for perfume just like me ... I miss you too. You left in 2005 June. My heart drop when new of you reached me that your migration has been approved. It hurts me so much that every alternate year someone I know and I love leaves me . I never cry in front of my friends/relatives or aquantance. My heart bleed and my face is cleanse with tears.

I wish to check in with my ticket of freedom where can I do the check in? Will Claudia be able to handle this if she finds out and is it fair for her to go through the pain of losing her mother after losing her brother in 2001. It cracks and it bleeds and will carry on bleeding it never heals. The pain is excrutiating that i can no longer feel the pain from the cut wound from my heart.. i cant feel pain even when i multilate myself....am i still alive... or have i cash in my ticket to freedom...

When has the New Year Begins in the Lunar Calendar

Many of Us would celebrate the Lunar New Year when we see the dates of the Calendar 'marked' in RED and indicated that it is New Year and the chinese character that reads in mandarin "chue yi" or cantonee "chor yat"

Everyone celebrates the lunar new year when 'Chinatown' in most parts of the world selling all the new year stuff of chinese decorative of origami of "Fish", carps figures and chinese character of "Fook" pronounce in Cantonese or "Fu" in mandarin. Chinatown will be packed and florist selling peach blossom plants, tangerine plants at an exorbitant price. Supermarkets with extend operating hours and extend area of display beyond their space/territory displaying their wares such as all table cloth, mat and other household necessities. Bank with long queue where people exchange for new bank notes and banks and financial insitions giving out red packets or red envelopes. People going to the car wash to have their car washed and polished.

Many would assume that new starts when the figures on the calendar are indicated in Red. However, it is not so accurated to follow that. New Year is the start of spring. People from China would call it the "Spring Festival" in Mandarin it is "Chun Jie". The begining of Spring. Spring is the promise of new life. Where plants awakes from their hibenating during the cold winter months and moisture in the air that gives life back to these plants.

The Begining of Spring or the New Season or the New Year is when the characters on your Lunar calendar reads "Lap Chun" pronounced in Cantonese or "Li Chun" in Mandarin. "Lap Chun" which I would usually like to read in Cantonese is the begining of the New Year. I believe not many Chinese in Singapore understands or some chinese from other countries.

They celebrate it only when businesses start putting up lunar new year decorative around their outlets and decorative are being put up in shopping malls. These are business strategies for selling off the winter goods left over from Christmas Sale and sell them during the rush for new outfits for Lunar New Year.

Do fall into these traps for they are just another business gimmick. Learn how to read the Chinese character on your calendar and celebrate appropriately.

Letting It Go or it literally translate to "When You Pick Up, You Must able to Put it Down"

Life is such that in our journey... we meet other travellers who are on the same journey of life and maybe we are commuting to the same destination but some will arrived their destination earlier then others. Some may board the transport earlier then others but arrived at their destionation earlier then others..

Some are on longer journey as their have more stops in their journey of life and may meet more commuters then others and see them getting off at their destination.

This person (assuming it is me - Silk) I am on this journey of life.. I met many people on this journey and I for each commuters I met, I collect a piece of gold ingot and my hands are full of ingots and this gold ingots are so precious to me I carry them all the time. It gets heavier and as I the people i met each stops increase.

I am holding to this gold ingots and they are so special to me because they are gold to me. I am thirsty and hungry.. what am I supppose to with. I need the water and the food or I will die of thirst and hunger.

I Silk have to learn to put donw the ingot and so that I can quench my thirst inorder to survive the journey or I will be thirst to death.

I learn to release the ingot to drink my glass of water to quench my thirst.. Now my thirst is quenched, I need the food so I can get on with my journey but there goes my gold ingots....

This interprets as this..
If I hold on to my pass and the emotions of what has happened and not able to let them go. I would not be able to move on with my life and too emotional attached to the sorrows and happiness of the past. I would go insane and would even take my own life as I would died of thirst.

So in life we must learn how to let things go at times.